Oh that ugly green eyed monster. She is forever lurking in the back of my mind: quietly, in a very small, very hissy, sinister voice whispering to me, “Not good enough again eh ?”. Sometimes I just want to smack her down and say, “No, no foul beast ! I will not succumb to your viciousness ! My talents will win out in the end !”. And then other times I just let the little bugger have her way with my head and all hell breaks loose for a few days.
I can picture her now sitting up in her lair, which is hidden deep inside the grey matter with which I concoct these fantastical little scenarios. She wrings her hands and waits with restrained glee while I begin to hyper focus on one thing or another. Usually it’s something to do with a skill. A skill that I think occasionally I shine at but like most creative people secretly worry is a big bunch of crap. This skill could be cakes. It could be cooking. It could be reading. It could be gardening. It could be leading kids. Today it is writing a blog. And that little green booger face is starting to get her game on.
I don’t know why I let it worry me so. This is not meant to be competitive. This is not meant to be a way for comparison. This is supposed to be a way for me to express myself, share view points, connect with other writers (if I can call myself that – see ? She’s sneaky…) and generally hone my skills. But then someone new comes along and instantly has more followers, more hits, etc. Why do I even look ? (Because you know they are all better than you, she says with excitement). It’s not supposed to matter and I am supposed to be big enough to not care. But sometimes, oh sometimes, I am just as small and green as my little Jimeny cricket from hell.